I’m fine…

We say that a lot don’t we? – I’M FINE.  Even when we’re NOT fine and screaming inside for help, we still say it.  Why?  Why do we struggle to open up to others?  To ask for help?

For me I think it’s related to a few things.

  1. ATTENTION – I generally don’t want to be the centre of attention.  I hate it.  A contradiction I know, considering the field I am in.
  2. DOWN – I don’t like to let people down.  It’s happened before, many times, and each time it has destroyed me.  I have, in the past, let down my family, partners, friends and co-workers and it sucks.  It’s just a sucky feeling.
  3. BLUSH – It’s really embarrassing.  A 34 year old man with a beard snotting like a 5 year old.  I take pride in managing my outward appearance (facade), which includes how I interact with other people on a social level.
  4. PRIDE – I’m not a proud person.  I never do something and go ‘you know what Ant, that was really bloody good’.  I am more likely to think ‘It was ok, but it could have been better’.
  5. BELIEF – I struggle to believe in myself and my abilities.  I have skills and I have learnt stuff over the last 15 years, however no matter how much praise I get for my achievements, I don’t believe it.

What would the world be like if we could ALL open up without the fear of it making us look WEAK, FRAIL and not worthy of attention. We all want attention.  We all want to be loved and wanted.  For our lives to mean something.

I didn’t realise I suffered from anxiety and depression for a long time.  I just thought that I was a little bit sad.  I work hard to stop toxic thoughts from taking over my life.  I’m not great at it, but I get better each day.  I can’t think of a moment in my life where I have felt proud of my achievements.  One day maybe?

-Ant

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